“ sir, this is Wendy’s”

i just handed my prescription over to the same pharmacist who made up a mistake and made me run out before. Don’t know if I’m gonna get my medication tomorrow or not. She was very condescending when I just explained what happened last time.

Also, I almost forgot that very same time pharmacist was working when I needed a medication for seizures as well. she told me they were out and just to come back in a couple days. I explained that I needed the medication in case I had a seizure, which is described on the bottle she’s holding. I had to force her to call around and find a place that had it.

so I’m stressed out because of the medication thing, & I don’t feel good about 95% of the time, like physically and emotionally. It takes a great more amount of effort to do just basic life tasks. I’ve completely given up on hobbies like gaming. I feel so bad I get absolutely no enjoyment from it. I also never get hungry and have to force food down around 10 or 12 PM. Then I sleepwalk and eat at night and I’m sick and throw up with the next day every night.

That sounds so exaggerated and fake but it’s not. Half the time when I describe what’s happening I can just tell people don’t believe me and I don’t blame them.

Like, a decade ago I tried to commit suicide a few times and never really dealt with it. Basically, I was told by everybody it was just a cry for help. it was maybe the 1st time. but everytime i was told what was in my system would kill me, and i know that going in. I literally looked it up to make sure I knew what a lethal dose was to double it. Then I took more on top of that.

I honestly knew I was killing myself with drinking and didn’t care it just got to the point where I couldn’t function. Now that the drinking is gone I still wanna die all the time. But now my mind is clear and I’m coming up with ways, I could actually do it and I have the wherewithal in knowledge to psychologically build myself up to that and withhold enough information from my friends that they can’t do anything until it’s too late.

i think about it every single day. more and more each day. every time somebody tries to talk me out of it it just convinces me even more.

sometimes it’s the only thing that calms me down because it’s the only control I feel like I have left. My sanity gets taken away at a whim of a lazy pharmacist or an insurance company every month just about.

The only thing I can do is get angry, but keep my composure and do something about it. If I’m unable to get my medication, I want to at least document it and just express my frustration over it in a constructive way, so it doesn’t feel completely pointless.

Right now, I just need to check out mentally. I am well past my limit and tomorrow’s not gonna be any easier. I’m just gonna go for a short walk and then go to sleep.