alone all the way

whatever this is, it’s not only getting worse and not only does it manage to make my hobbies all impossible and uninteresting, but it’s now getting in the way of work too. its making it physically difficult to just think and type. i have to try 200% harder to do basic things like that.

it comes and goes, but i cannot prevent it or do anything to address it. Even if I’m in a good mood, it’s a beautiful day and I have plans.if it starts I completely lose interest in everything. nothing is important except getting through that feeling. Literally nothing. I have to force myself to keep putting in effort just to get through work, so I at least have a place to live for now.

So as it stands, I can barely function and I’m struggling to keep a job that doesn’t even pay me enough to survive in this economy. I can’t really start a new career path while I’m a completely broken shell of a person. I just have to watch my life fall apart and be sure not to talk about it too much because it’s uncomfortable for everybody else to think about.

But now I know I’m not doing anything to cause this. This is just something that is beyond my control and it’s something that nobody can help me with apparently either. the longer i hold on to hope the worse the disappointment will be when it inevitably falls apart just like it has time after time.

I don’t know if my situation is hopeless, but I know you can search for decades and not get any help or find any answers. I know that people do kill themselves. I also don’t think it’s because they were weak either. I think you can only push people so far. It’s different for everyone, but there is a line. You can’t just take away everything from somebody and expect them not to break. we are only human.

I think there comes a point where you’re gonna suffer no matter what, but if you continue to survive, you’re gonna suffer longer and worse for no good reason, other than putting off the inevitable pain of losing you that your friends and family will eventually have to deal with anyway.

Also, i dont want anything anymore. that was the cost of survival. I had to completely shed that part of myself and I have no clue how to get it back. I don’t think you can. I had to lower my expectations given all my shortcomings. But now there’s nothing left early to take.

All it would take would be me losing this job. i’m one bad day away from leaving the world behind. I’m going to continue to lie to everyone and just tell them I’m OK because they don’t really wanna know and even if they did, they couldn’t do anything about it anyway.

if you tell someone you’re suicidal, all they can do is lock you up in a psych ward for a few days, which is a miserable experience and feels like you’re being punished for going through the worst experience of your life. The nurses and doctors are overworked and clearly don’t care about you at all. They make mistakes and forget medication sometimes they make it seem like your fault. They also pick and choose who they take care of because they’re so jaded from dealing with annoying people. If anything, going to a psych ward would just confirm how pointless and hopeless my situation is. I’d be locked up with people who can barely function and realize that no matter how different I am from them I end up next to them time and time again and so far not a single thing has been able to prevent that.

i think this was all inevitable. it’s just the way I’m wired. That’s why, no matter how big the changes I make to my life I end up in the same spot. It doesn’t matter how far I go it doesn’t matter how much money I spend, how much I uproot my life or do things constantly that are uncomfortable in an effort to grow. I have absolutely nothing to show for it.

I can’t even enjoy a video game or read a book. I’ve tried, but I physically cannot enjoy it. It’s so frustrating trying to make it work even writing this out is 10 times the chore that it would be usually, but I’m so frustrated. I feel like saying something about it so I’m pushing through that.

Normally, this would take probably about 10% of my energy, but it’s taking 110 and all of my focus. Also, no matter how hard I try, I completely crash out and lose my train of thought sometimes, no matter how hard I’m focusing on things.

I don’t want anything anymore. I don’t care that I’ve been single for a decade. I don’t care about losing all my friends. I don’t care about struggling financially I don’t care about any of it. I’m not even worried about little man passing away anymore. I’m actually happy for him that he will be able to reach an end to his suffering.

existence is easy for some people and for others it’s not. I think some people have the capacity to be happy and others don’t. There’s no reason to be upset or frustrated because there’s no way to avoid it. It’s actually about being in tune with reality and the way things are that will bring you peace.

There no sense wondering and why or if things could be different. they aren’t. Everyone always tells me to live in the moment and in the present so that’s what I’m doing. in the present moment, i dont care about anything. even my life.

everything is so difficult that simply functioning is hard and has been for awhile now. absolutely nothing is being done and nothing helps. the meds dont stand a chance against something this powerful.

all i can do is watch it happen. and i dont “feel alone” i am alone. no one will even an knowledge the problem. they can’t even give me that. as far as they are all concerned im just not trying hard enough. just overreacting.

that’s why I’m not trying to maintain friendships anyone really. it seems pointless. even if they do care they cant do anything. thats not fair to them either. im better off by myself were i wont spread my misery to other people.

one day, i will run out of reasons to keep going and make my exit. im not interested in hurting anyone else, if i can help it. i dont want to take anyone down with me. i dont have any enemies in this world, except myself. no one i “want to teach a lesson” too. i just want to leave quietly in the middle of the night so to speak.

this is the only thing that brings me peace at this point. i dont care about music or even my cat anymore really. i feel like ive already lost them both anyway. all “hanging in there” will get is more suffering and the surprise and hurt when i get left behind once again when i cant pull my weight.

im done. It’s over. i cannot come up with ANYTHING that matters when im in this state. no one else believes its real or that bad but who cares i want to be alone now.

Even if I met the girl of my dreams, I wouldn’t know what to do with her at this point. I don’t know how to care for people anymore. I don’t know how to hope for something good to happen. I feel like that is literally just stupid. I have absolutely no reason to believe things are just all of a sudden going to get better one day for no damn reason at all. That only happens in movies.

Sometimes stories have sad endings. I’ve never understood why people can’t grasp that until recently. It’s because it’s how they cope. they tell themselves that it could never get that bad. they have to. Their survival depends on it.

it is pointless trying to explain your point of view to these people. even if they understand it, it wouldn’t be a good thing. there’s also nothing else to be said. i just have to live with it or dont. either way, I’ll suffer and die And probably never get what I’m after.

I remember several suicide attempts i had about a decade ago. I got really close one time. I finally took enough pills, but at the last second I changed my mind and got to a hospital. Looking back on that, I think I made the wrong decision.

This is nowhere close to worth it. I’m reaching a fraction of my potential and have to watch everybody in my life succeed where I fail over and over. It’s getting to the point where I can’t even guarantee I’ll be able to take care of myself, and it shows no signs of slowing down.

honestly, i cannot think of one good reason to stick around, but i dont think i have it in me to try to end it again either. so good news my body won’t die. i’ll be dead inside, but don’t worry ill be suffering while alive so everyone can ease their Conscience and forget any of this is happening. just continue on with their lives, and pop in every once and awhile to say “everything ok?” even tho they don’t intend on actually listening or doing anything about it, they just want to feel like they did something without putting in any effort.

On top of all the things I’m dealing with now, You also have to take into account the fact that I’m getting older and even people in incredible shape with wonderful minds have a hard time getting older so basically things are gonna get exponentially worse from here.

so I am completely isolated, miserable, and alone, but I have a couple decades of declining health, physical and mental decline, to look forward to as well on top of everything else. Never mind, the fact that my full-time job that used to be enough to get by is not with inflation. And no one cares not even people who work there because they’re all married and have two incomes to survive on.

No one cares about any of the problems I have and nobody is working on any solutions. I’ll never be able to retire. My retirement plan has always been a bottle of scotch in a handgun. What does it matter if I just get there a little bit earlier?

I see no reason not too, except the fear of the unknown. thats where im stuck at. can’t get the nerve up anymore. my nerves are just about always shot. im just very good at pretending im ok when i am not. but i dont think ive got what it takes at the moment.

im sure that will eventually change. and when it does, ill be gone before anyone can stop me. I am far too good at pretending to be OK when I’m not for them to even have a clue.

Every time I talk about it with somebody it just confirms how I feel even more. nobody has come close to just spelling me of this notion. Plenty of people have tried throughout my life and I would be the first to admit if it worked trust me. I want nothing more in the entire world than to be wrong here. I just don’t have any evidence that I am.