Running on Empty

​I got fired from my job at Advance Auto a few days ago. I had been there since 2019. It’s the longest I’ve ever worked for a company. Several years ago, I was excelling to the point of earning consistent awards like Employee of the Quarter and Top Performer, and I was a trainer for new hires. While the job was always very stressful for me, I was able to perform at a level that was acceptable. I did well enough that I was given more responsibility and the possibility of a promotion. I was very proud of my job. It gave me hope that even though I am worn down mentally, physically and spiritually, I might still be able to function at a full-time job, stay employed, get myself together financially, and work on my mental health.

Over the past few years, I’ve become far more depressed and anxious than I was before. Going to rehab and quitting drinking made things even worse. The breakdowns were getting more frequent, and I was getting in trouble at work for poor performance. I was on medication that helped slightly, but the place I was going charged me $200 every month to refill the same three prescriptions, which were barely helping. After that, I switched to a clinic for fixed-income patients. They charged me $100 but would only prescribe one of the three medications I had been on—even after six months of seeing that doctor. He completely rejected my request to go back on the antidepressant I had taken before. The one medication I was on, Remeron, wasn’t helping at all, so I stopped going.

I forgot to mention that I ended up in the psych unit after taking Prozac for a few months. I felt better than I had in years, but I became unstable. I couldn’t afford to go back on medication or attend counseling after getting out, and I’ve been hanging on for dear life ever since.

I start a new job in a few weeks. It’s a sales job where I have to drive to work every day and wear business professional clothes (which I don’t have enough of yet). I will only be making $12.77 during training. After that, it’s 100% commission-based. If I weren’t struggling so much, it would be a challenge—but now? I have good reason to believe it won’t work out. I also don’t seem capable of relaxing or enjoying anything anymore. I’m so high-strung.

It’s not just the stress from losing my job and starting a new challenging one. I feel physically in pain periodically throughout the day. I barely eat or sleep. I’ve lost weight. I break down crying every day when I get overwhelmed by how bad I feel and how there doesn’t seem to be any end in sight. I won’t even be able to afford healthcare until I start making commission—or move on to another job if things don’t work out, which feels highly likely given my mental and physical state. Plus, those things take time to work, and I’ve tried many times before with no real improvement.

I’ve been thinking about giving up for a long time. I keep getting scared by how often it feels like the only thing I want and how much the thought of it calms me down. I feel completely broken and defeated, and I have no idea what to do. The only things holding me back are what it would do to my parents and the fact that I don’t want to abandon my cat, who I love more than anyone or anything. I also used to feel like it was immoral or a sin to give up, but lately I’m not so sure about that. My parents and my cat won’t be around forever, either.

I made several attempts about a decade ago when I was in a very similar situation. I never got any real help for it. No one took it seriously. It’s insane, but sometimes I wonder if I died and this is just hell. I haven’t had a relationship since 2010. I’m broke and forced to work jobs that push me over the edge and don’t pay enough for me to even take care of myself. I go weeks without enjoying anything—food, movies, video games. I get no break from it. No matter how much I improve my diet, work out regularly, stay away from alcohol and drugs, go to church and pray, or seek treatment, nothing makes a difference. I’m just forced to keep going, foolishly hoping things will get better for some reason I can’t even explain.

To me, that’s just as insane as giving up. Everyone acts like it’s just a rough patch, but it’s been like this more or less for over a decade. Quitting drinking was a huge step that took everything I had, but I’m just as miserable—if not more. It’s fucked up, but the only time I felt happy recently was when I took 7OH. I’m smart enough to know that couldn’t continue, but I can’t help thinking about how, when my brain chemistry was altered like that, life suddenly wasn’t so bad. It makes me believe it’s possible to be okay again. But since drugs can’t be the answer, and all the effort I’m putting in isn’t helping, and I’m out of resources to try anything else, hope feels like another drug I cannot afford to take.

I really don’t know how long I can keep this up. Even the guilt of leaving loved ones behind is starting to fade. It’s also hard to keep believing in a God who seems to show up for everyone at church when they hit rock bottom, but for me I just wake up with my chest on fire, anxiety through the roof, then have to work 8+ hours at a job that makes it all worse—only to get fired after trying my hardest to hold it together. Every day is torture, and I’m not being dramatic. I think about giving up every single day.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. It’s not like anyone will read it. If they do, all that will come of it is that I might get dragged back to the psych unit. I’ve been there over 10 times between suicide attempts and medical detoxes. That would accomplish nothing. They barely even speak with you and just pressure you into saying everything is okay so they can push you out the door with a $7,000 bill to make room for the next patient.

I don’t want to give up. I don’t really know why at this point, but the thought of ending it is still terrifying and it would hurt the people I love. I guess my brain keeps telling me that things could change. But whenever I think deeply about it, I can’t come up with anything else to do except things I’ve already tried or am already doing. I also have a very difficult couple of months ahead of me. New jobs are hard to adjust to, and this time I’m not even excited or hopeful. I’m scared, completely overwhelmed, and pushed past my limit—and I haven’t even started the new job yet.