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Running on Empty

​ I got fired from my job at Advance Auto a few days ago. I had been there since 2019. It’s the longest I’ve ever worked for a company. Several years ago, I was excelling to the point of earning consistent awards like Employee of the Quarter and Top Performer, and I was a trainer for new hires. While the job was always very stressful for me, I was able to perform at a level that was acceptable. I did well enough that I was given more responsibility and the possibility of a promotion. I was very proud of my job. It gave me hope that even though I am worn down mentally, physically and spiritually, I might still be able to function at a full-time job, stay employed, get myself together financially, and work on my mental health. Over the past few years, I’ve become far more depressed and anxious than I was before. Going to rehab and quitting drinking made things even worse. The breakdowns were getting more frequent, and I was getting in trouble at work for poor performance. I was on medica...

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A little over a year and a half ago ago I was employee of the quarter regularly, a top performer, trainer, and being considered for a promotion at work. Now I am literally one mistake away from being fired. This issue started once I quit drinking. I’m struggling at living a normal life. No matter what mountain I climb there is always another one that is steeper. Now on top of needing doctors and healthcare I cannot afford, I have to live with the fact that I could lose my income at any moment. I also have to live with the fact that whenever I talk about my problems it makes other people feel uncomfortable or resent me for the most part. Even most people whos problems and I listen to seem to pull back or just dont know what to say and i get alienated regardless of whether it’s fair or not. I have to keep my problems supressed for the most part because I will literally have no one left. I do what I can but I feel like no matter how hard I pay attention and try to think before I speak and act I always end up saying something that gets people to just disappear from my life overnight. The problem is no matter how much I try to avoid repeat mistakes there is always something else I didn’t consider so I’ve just come to realize 99% of people just dont want me around and I don’t think there is anything I can do about that. I wish I could end this on more of a positive hopeful note but I just don’t have it in me today. I got through work that’s all that matters.

title

fuck you die

alive as you need me to be