life as it is

I have struggled with clinical depression and anxiety for most of my life. I have periods of where I do better, but it is for the most part a consistent problem that takes up most of my life and most of my time. It doesn’t always have to do with circumstances either. I’ve been seen by doctors recently and after a bad reaction to prozac they have mentioned I could have pi polar disorder, but due to lack of money I have not been able to get diagnosed or get any help yet.

I’ve made strides over the years with the way I handle it and overcame obstacles like quitting drinking, diet, exercise etc but recently in my life has taken a turn significantly for the worse. I feel a state of unease or emptiness pretty much 98% of the time. Normal coping skills and maintenance do not always help. Recently, I have been losing interest in all of my hobbies, I’m having a very hard time sleeping and even focusing at work has been extremely difficult.

About 10 years ago, I almost ended my life. I had made several attempts at overdose and was almost successful the 3rd time. The hospital said if I had made it to the hospital any later and my heart would have stopped. I did that because I tried to get help but just could not get myself to place I could live with or function. I feel the exact same way now.

I didn’t know how to handle that back then, so I just swept it under the rug and moved on. I never fully recovered from it or addressed the issue. I’ve tried medication and therapy over the years but I think I needed to get past the drinking first. Which I have, but with inflation my current job doesn’t even cover my bills. Unfortunately I’m struggling to just keep this job and can’t imagine trying to find another job. I have no idea what to do now that my current profession doesn’t pay enough after inflation.

The only sign of help is that my pastor offered to pay for 5 therapy visits. I’ve called every therapist he’s recommended and am on several waiting lists. I still have at least 3-4 months before I can see anyone. I am not certain how I will pay for therapy after those 5 visits either which is concerning but I can’t afford to worry about it anymore.

All of that feels like false hope. I’ve been to therapy before. Recently even. I’ve been on medication and both didn’t go very well and with inflation I cannot even afford to take care of myself and eat healthy like I should. But there is absolutely nothing else I can think of. I don’t have anyone other ideas and don’t know where else to look for them for now.

I try to open up but it’s hard for me, and most people do not understand any of this. They just think I’m sad and don’t know how to deal with it. They mean well but end up minimizing and acting like they don’t care or just have no idea what to say. I end up feeling more alone when I talk with someone like that. I avoid people I care about because of this and it’s gotten me pretty isolated. I’m trying to change that but I don’t know where to start.