I can’t think of a title

​I’m writing this to vent. I need an outlet, and talking with friends is not the greatest idea because they have problems of their own, and I don’t want to burden them with something they can’t help with. I also feel the need to explain what’s going on with me. When you’re as depressed as I am, you end up feeling guilty, like it’s your fault, and I think maybe talking about it would be healthy.

Nothing in particular is bothering me, but I feel like something is terribly wrong. It feels like I just lost a close friend or went through a breakup and haven’t been able to process it. But when I stop and think, there is nothing specific that would be causing this. It’s so intense that I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, even on my days off.

At the same time, it’s so real to me and such a consistent feeling that I end up attaching it to real-life fears and worries just to make sense of it. I keep thinking that if I change my situation in life, I won’t feel this way, but I’m not so sure that’s the case.

When I really think about it, currently I’m doing all right in life, considering everything I’ve been through. Several years ago, I was in a less-than-ideal spot, yet I was far more content and at peace than I am now. For the life of me, I don’t know what the difference was.

It gets so overwhelming that I break down crying. Lately, I’ve been having crying spells multiple times a day. I feel so bad that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I don’t even enjoy playing video games or watching movies for the most part anymore. I go through the motions just to kill time, but it feels like a tedious task that I’m rushing to get past. It pretty much feels like work does.

You would think it would be a relief to know that your problems are just in your head, and that’s probably the case for most people. For me, it’s the opposite, because even when I know what the “problem” is, I can do absolutely nothing about it.

Imagine having a fever, but having it constantly and needing to go about your life without showing signs of being ill. It wears you down, and despite “nothing being wrong,” you suffer regardless. It makes it extremely challenging just to take care of everyday life.

I still keep up with self-care, meds, therapy, exercise, etc., but it really doesn’t make that much difference. I try to stay in touch with friends and family because that is still important to me, but I have to fake like I’m okay most of the time. I lie a lot and act like I’m still interested in hobbies and entertainment so it’s not awkward. Regardless, it’s good to have people around who care, and I don’t want to push them away.

I used to think that my drinking was the main reason I was so depressed. But after 2+ years of sobriety, I feel just as bad. I think that adds to the trapped feeling, because it was really difficult for me to let go of drinking, and I feel like my reward is just more pain and suffering. Nobody seems to care because my life isn’t endangered, so nobody takes it seriously.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. Every time I go to a therapist, they tell me I’m already doing pretty much everything possible. I take my meds. I work out. I pray, read the Bible, go down YouTube rabbit holes about mental health, and consistently work out even when it’s the last thing I want to do. I try every possible avenue that might provide some relief, but it never does.

I really don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want anything anymore. It used to really bother me that I haven’t been in a romantic relationship for a decade, but I can’t imagine handling a relationship in my condition. I’m far too focused on myself, and I have nothing to talk about because all I think about all day is how bad I feel and ways to get out of it. Studying for a certification for a new job is extremely difficult for me. I feel like I can’t do it, and even when I make progress, I realize that even if I get a new job, I’ll be just as miserable as I am now. It’s hard to stay motivated.

I keep praying that something will change or that I’ll find something that helps. I don’t see anything else I can do. I truly believe there is no hope here, and I would give anything to be proven wrong about that. All I can do is wait and hope—or at least try to learn how to hope again.