My mind is a tomb where no flowers grow

​I’ve struggled with severe depression my whole life, but the past two years have been far worse, and I have been very proactive in handling it, however, I do not feel any better. For the past six months it is grown a significant amount worse and is on my mind pretty much 24 seven.

diet, meds, exercise, therapy, spirituality etc have been consistent, AND I keep trying new things but I honestly feel worse.

I try to make connections with people, but it’s difficult. I feel like I have to hide how I’m feeling 90% of the time and as a result, have nothing to talk about. Relationships just end up fizzling out and I don’t blame them. I haven’t been in a romantic relationship since 2011.  No surprise why.

it’s also really hard to come up with new hobbies or places to go meet people when all of your current hobbies no longer interest you and seem hollow and pointless. also, it doesn’t help not having any expendable income within inflation and rent being raised again.

even still, I try to have a good attitude and keep trying new things and push myself to do more. It just really feels like everything is pointless because I have been trying these things for years and years and years and years and every time I fall off the wagon, I get back up and keep trying and trying and trying and trying, but no matter what I still end up feeling empty and alone.

I have absolutely nothing to look forward to, and I am not excited about anything. I don’t enjoy eating. I don’t enjoy going for walks anymore. I don’t like playing video games. I don’t care about any comic books. I don’t care about politics. I don’t care about literally anything.

Even if I am able to get this certification and get a new job paying far more than I am now, the idea does not excite me at all. I can’t think of anything I want. Except things that money cannot buy.

Even if I’m making 100 grand a year, I’m still going to be the hollow empty person I am now who can’t make friends and doesn’t know what he wants out of life. of course things could get better, but I have no reason to believe that. 

I have been trying to figure this out for most of my adult life, and just thinking about everything that I’ve tried, and the fact that I feel even worse now after all the improvements i’ve made that were NOT  easy, I cannot help but feel despair. 

So for now, I just live in that despair. There’s nothing else to do. If I talk to anybody about it, even if they care they can’t help. Therapists or mental health professionals just give basic suggestions and shrug their shoulders when I try to explain how difficult things are. I can’t afford a good counselor and talking with my friends about it isn’t going to help.

I dont even know why im writing this. It makes no difference and will probably make more people judge me or feel sad and pull away. I’m just angry and tired of smiling through the pain. I don’t have any hope and I’m tired of pretending like I do.