1st week on the floor CS

​I’ve been on the floor at CS for a week. It’s very nerve wracking and I’m constantly clueless what to do. I have serious doubts I can keep up with all the information that is constantly changing and all the glitchy complex systems I have to use. Even when I do know what I’m doing, which is rare, there are endless glitches and customers make things very difficult. I’m dreading going into work tomorrow. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be confident and relaxed enough to pitch what I need to in order to make any money. Every time I turn around, I’ve done something else wrong or there is a bunch of changes.

Plus, with my new schedule now I work Friday night so I can’t hang out with Mike like I do every week. I also can’t go to Bible study or church and see my parents anymore. That’s not gonna change. It’s hard being so stressed out and I don’t get to see the people that I care about, and then on top of that feeling like I’m doing a terrible job.

Before I lost my job in advance, I was already struggling mentally. That’s the whole reason I got let go. I was having trouble coping and it affected my work directly. I tried to get medication, get therapy and all the help but all I did was drain my bank account and get nothing but Dr bills. The stress from this job is far higher and making things even worse. I hate to say it and I’m not trying to be dramatic, but I really hate being alive except for brief moments. 

The only good thing about life is seeing people I care about and spending time with them. It was good seeing Jaeden today. Even if I was miserable, it was nice being with a friend who doesn’t judge me and can empathize. A truly great friend who I love like a brother.

I really enjoy talking with Aaliyah again too. I’m glad she’s doing better and it’s really the highlight of my day when she calls or texts. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to, but I really have to find a way to go visit her sometime. She’s very special to me. More than I care  to admit.

It’s fucked up to say but I think about giving up a lot. More than I used to. It feels inevitable and I’m getting more used to the idea. It’s not as scary and I have somewhat of a plan that will probably work. The only thing that holds me back is a few people I care about in my life that I don’t want to abandon or hurt. My parents, Jaeden, Will, Mike, Seb, and especially Aaliyah. I don’t know where I would be without them. I would probably already be gone.