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I guess considering the fact that I have been cutting my gabapentin in half & am limiting my kratom doses to 9 grams each, I feel surprisingly stable. i am still completely overwhelmed and very depressed, its just easier to push myself through work.

thats all i can manage though. i gave up trying to force myself to play video games. its no use i dont enjoy any of it anymore. i dont know why just one day poof all gone no more enjoyment. my anxiety level is so high it’s pointless trying to socialize or be productive either.

all i can do is wait. i have to wait and hope i stabilize out, because it looks like 40 hours of work isnt enough to survive on at this job anymore. i have to spend 8 hours working, then somehow come up with the energy and drive to start working on a new career or getting a 2nd job. I AM BARELY MAKING IT THROUGH AN 8 HOUR WORK DAY. Now, i have to do that AND come up with even more time, grit, energy and drive to find a new career?! Are you fucking kidding me? I can a barely stand up.

For now, it is literally too much and I do not have it in me to keep fighting i just dont. I’m just gonna never spend money or go out or do anything i enjoy ever, eat once a day, and hope i can JUST BREAK EVEN.

i should be out job hunting and brainstorming ideas for ways to make more money, but im just completely overwhelmed and just sitting here like a dear in the headlights.

it’s hard to even put into words, but I literally physically just do not have the emotional maturity or ability to take on something as massive as a career change right now. i’m struggling just to get through each day

And even after I go for long walks and calm myself down, I don’t have any silver lining to focus on. All I see is all of my hard work is not close to enough.It’s not even bare minimum now.

So for now, I am just hoping that if I starve myself, and do absolutely nothing that costs any money, including tapering off kratom and my meds (medication is not working, and I can’t afford to continue treatment because that would require me to keep consistently taking days off work to go to therapy, which I can’t afford to do) then maybe i can scrape my.

then maybe, if i keep scraping by, i ill find a way to force myself to Do what it takes to get a new job or just start working like 80 hours a week.