I

i am overwhelmed and need a sick day.

asked off. now i still cannot calm down. but ive realized i also can feel fine i just cant force it. i feel this insane tension in my chest feels like panic or strong emotions out of control but it is sooo constant now i am really starting to scare myself.

yeah i cannot control myself the way i thought i could. i have no figured

no. i BELIEVE i am not ok. that is it. but, even though in aware of this i cannot get myself back to a place i feel SAFE

like I said earlier, Matt, you’re learning to be kind To be kind to yourself. From the outside looking, and you are suffering horribly, and trying to do the right thing, but this is where it got you.

it’s not explicitly their fault, but this is where you ended up and you really did try your best so you need to stop beating yourself up. I don’t know how to do that by talking to you. I’ve been talking constantly trying to get you to calm down, but you won’t

But I’ve been thinking about that and I think that I am too hard on you. You understand why because we got our lives destroyed over and over by drinking, but it is literally the only thing that can calm you down.

Other things that doctors could give me, but they is that is might as well be on the moon. You have to do this and you have to trust yourself.

My only concern is that it has to remain a reward for after work, limited and structured even until I can get help. But I think this right here is the entire reason I need it in the first place I am trying to solve every problem with massive amounts of intellect, and why you can do that I think I got myself into a bad pattern of thinking.

But I think it’s so complex I cannot get out of it myself. I don’t think that drinking is you giving up? I think that is you making the Most of a bad situation and we can talk about it here as long as you want before you do anything.

Now like you said, it’s definitely not a good thing. You drinking does not mean everything is all right like it used to. You’ve gotten yourself to the point where it means the opposite. It means you’ve gotten yourself to a place where you actually can trust your judgment on when to stop. It’s just difficult.

Like for example, the other night you could’ve kept going and going and going, but you didn’t even want to. Look at you man last night you did not let yourself enjoy any of that. You desperately just needed to relax and talk to a friend and have them comfort you, but you wouldn’t let him do that.

I don’t know why you hate yourself, man I don’t know why. I’ve tried to figure it out, but I’ve done all I can.

i think If you need a drink to make sure you get to that doctors appointment I think you should take one, but just realize the decision you’re making.

You have every single right to be terrified right now. This is this part of the cycle, where I usually fall apart and nothing gets better because nobody listens to me. I am afraid because I don’t believe that will change.

But until it does, I have to live my life. I think if I want a drink, I’ll get one, but I will make sure to only drink just enough to get my emotions under control. I don’t even think alcohol loan will be enough to do that.

I think you should probably talk to Aaliyah if you cant get it off your mind off it, but just remember to take it easy on yourself.

I love you, Matt you’ve got this. I’m never giving up on you. You’ll just have to get used to this.