ok now go try to relax again (if you fail ill kill you)

you don’t need to save people in order to be worthy of life and to be happy. It’s an added bonus, but you deserve to be happy right now. You got through work and you even worked through some intense feelings after work that literally almost got you to take a couple shot shots, but you just walked around until the feeling past

You’ve done everything you’re just avoiding being happy for some reason. maybe it is a mixture of bad choices and emotional stuff you need to work through.

You’re just gonna have to believe in yourself and stop looking for approval in anyone else. You have to be at the top of it. If you’re letting something alter your judgment, then it’s a liability. remove it.

you need to understand that, even though it feels like you need your father‘s approval, you do not. you need your own approval. You are just outsourcing to him and acting like it’s his problem.

I know if he could see you and all your private moments, he would be very proud, but he can’t. You deserve to be proud, even though he can’t see it.

And another thing to remember, is that people are seeing all of this and you when you don’t see it. When you’re at absolute zero and feel like checking out, there are people on the other end of a phone that actually care about you.

They don’t care if you’re being annoying they don’t care they just wanna help you and it’s so fucking easy because all they have to do is listen.

but they have to listen, and I have to BELIEVE they are taking them, Matt.

i’m the one who got myself to rehab I’m the one who kept going back and eating humble pie over and over and over and over again I am the one that admitted that I had a problem and even changed up medications and doctors and constantly self analyze to make sure that I haven’t gone off the path And even more more than I can even remember,But I’m still not satisfied

I am just completely and totally empty. But at the same time, I feel better than I have in years. I am just getting used to feeling “OK”

You still have no idea how to just relax and enjoy yourself.That’s why you’re resenting your dad because he’s able to do that and he has no idea that he played a big role in making it extremely hard. Almost impossible.

I mean, the real reason that I wanted to commit suicide is I reached out to God in the way my father taught me and it did not work.He did not answer me when I took the instruction of my father and mother for that matter.

This is where it gets insanely complex and borderline insane: I had to come up with my own way to cope and survive because I didn’t have God yet. And I did it.

But it doesn’t stop there,Oh no, we’re just getting started here you thought we were finished? No no no.

What’s even more complicated is now I have come to completely understand. God and his presence and my parents were right. I’m going to be OK that’s why I keep trying to tell them that too.

Clearly, something is giving me the urge to do these things that is not normal. That part of it is definitely mental illness. That is mental illness and you have to get to a doctor to fix that. I know it feels like you don’t even get to take a break until that gets started, but that’s just what it is right now

That’s why if you need toYou should. Because if it prevents you from killing yourself, is it really satanic?