finally letting go doesnt matter title doesnt matter nothing matters

ATTENTION to anyone reading this:

Please keep in mind that I am a resourceful person, and you cannot prevent me from doing anything. If you call a number and report this post, I will be locked some up somewhere for a couple days and get out. I know exactly what to say so I get out as quickly as possible. Then I’ll come back and be able to do whatever I want.)

sometimes I think the only way people will ever take me seriously is when they find my dead body. I flat out tell them I need help coping, I tell them what I need help with i. regards to coping, and do every suggestion put in front of me, but then when it doesn’t work, it becomes my fault.

How is it my fault when all I am trying to get is a reason to keep living, and you tell me just to change my attitude? I guess I am an edge lord, but the reason for that is because I am constantly thinking about death and edgy things

I’m the kind of person who thinks about disarming a bomb and then intentionally letting it go off because the feeling it makes me feel warm inside

And honestly, if I hear somebody else, tell me that I’m just not trying hard enough i FEEL as though it would make sense to beat them to within an inch of their life and it would NOT be an overreaction. They would be getting off lightly

I mean, I’ve tried everything else and I keep specifically explaining that my emotions are out of control and that stimulant help and that Xanax helps, but then we tried to dance around all of the basic 123 easy psychological tricks to get you to deal with life when you’re a little stressed out

You don’t think about disarming a bomb and then letting it go off and dying because you’re just a little stressed out. And also, if you’re the kind of person who’s getting constant level 10 panic attacks, but can handle them without flinching, maybe I do know what I’m talking about here

I remember a psychologist telling me that the reason he didn’t think I was schizophrenic or had a big mental health disorder is because he thought my life was so functional. He was wrong. Dead wrong. A normal healthy person does not drink so much that they’re falling down every night and he didn’t see that. He was blind to the whole thing and just told me basically that I need to keep trying harder.

and the only way I know how to deal with this is by saying it out loud or public Because once I’m gone, maybe somebody will come back over this and be like oh wow he actually was trying pretty damn hard. Maybe We should’ve listened to him when he told us over and over what the problem was and how to help him.

Maybe if we have just acknowledge the fact that my life was out of control and I was drinking to cope because I had to that’s the only way I can survive and then when I don’t have it, life is not doable eventually

That’s why I got to drinking those two shots the other night. It was between that or killing myself. I figured out what chemical chemicals I would need to get from the store and if I drink enough liquor, I would pass out enough for the job to be done

The thing about that plan is, there’s absolutely no way to stop me from doing it. Even if you lock me up in a facility, I’ll eventually get out. And I will be remembering the entire time I’m in there that you were not helping me and holding me against my will. Honestly, it would be a miracle if I didn’t decide to take a couple of you with me. Maybe you should consider that just me dying is actually me being nice.

I am going to eventually do this. I know I am. Nobody is ever going to listen And even if they are, they’re not paying close enough attention or I’m not important enough for them to pay close attention or I’m just extremely unlucky over and over and over every time I reach out for help who knows

It does not fucking matter anymore. I don’t care. I want to be dead and I just simply live with that and maybe somebody can help me with that eventually but I really doubt it because I have been asking for a long time.

It does not matter if you take every single warning box for something if people do not care about your life. They’re not gonna put in effort to save it. If it’s difficult, it’s only worth taking on if you know you can be successful