new plan, day 1

I could’ve avoided taking two shots of alcohol last night if I had a prescription for Xanax. I would not be tempted to abuse the Xanax at this point because I know what happens when I do that. I have literally taken so much Xanax that I lost my mind and ended up in legal trouble.

The problem before was, I did not have the impulse control. Back in the day if I took those two shots that wouldn’t be just enough to make me want more. But it wasn’t. That was all I needed. I needed that drink.

I could go on for days explaining why that is there is not a single doubt in my mind that that was the right choice to make. It is not the right choice tonight and I asked off for work today and I’m trying self-care the best. I know how. But I totally understand why I had to do that last night.

I cannot rely on people. I was going to see a friend to get some encouragement, but he is only 20 years old and I said something I shouldn’t have ended. It upset him and it shouldn’t bother me. But it really does. Even though I relapsed last night, I still feel Like it’s more important that I didn’t treat him the right way and I don’t think that’s correct. Right now, I am doing the best that I can and it’s not enough.

I am not getting what I need to make it through each day without drinking. All I needed was a little encouragement. Just some reassurance, a kind word from a friend doesn’t even have to be about any of my problems. If he would’ve just not gotten into an anger level of and walked away, I would still have faith in humanity, but I don’t.

Because when it came down to it, I needed a friend at that moment, and it was more important for him to respond hostile and cut me out of the situation. He was 100% right to do that btw. He hit his limit, same as me he did absolutely nothing wrong.

But at the same time, I am not OK and just have to take that into account and maybe in the future he will be able to understand that, but if not, I don’t have the time or energy to worry about that right now. It hurts and I really should just be out for a walk enjoying myself, but I am beating myself up over a 20 year-old acting his age.

Anyway, I completely lost my train of thought. My point being that if I just had a Xanax, I could’ve avoided drinking yesterday. That is unfortunate because just about no doctor will listen to me and that’s why I’ve ended up in this situation in the first place because they don’t care when I’m trying to get medication that I actually need.

so I’m gonna have to see a new doctor and I think the best approach is to just be brutally honest and explain to them my history with addiction and the events of the past couple weeks and let them know that Ativan and Adderall could be very beneficial to you and just let them know that caffeine and other legal drugs help you so they can make an informed decision.

Like I never really got it through my head before, but this is life or death. And I deserve to live, and I deserve to do whatever it takes to survive. And I will but God forgive me for what i have to do.