Me rambling about my problems no one cares about

i’m under a lot of stress even without this anxiety problem. I need to remember that. I’m just going to be getting overwhelmed a lot more on a consistent basis indefinitely. I can get rid of the frustration if I just let go and just come to terms with the fact that this is as good as life gets.

it’s easy to get angry and feel like you’re not getting what you need and you might not be but that doesn’t mean you’re going to get it. I don’t know if my situation is hopeless or not but I know you can be searching for 20 some years and still not find what you’re looking for. Sometimes not getting what you need is just the new norm.

For me, hope is just an illusion that people try to give me because there’s nothing else they can do. If there was something that could’ve been done, it would’ve been done a long time ago. I’ve gone to countless doctors, taking all the medications, Taking all the suggestions outside of that like breathing exercises and prayer meditation etc But I am still right in the same spot I get overwhelmed at.

The reason I started drinking so much was because I realized I could not handle what I was going through, I reached out for help over and over, didnt get what i needed, and went for the only solution I could find. It got out of control, but it was still the only solace I could find.

But now, since I don’t drink, I just have to deal with all of that again. I just have the own overwhelming shit sometimes, and it just pushes me over the edge. That’s just life. Some people are lucky and it’s not nearly as hard for them to deal with those sort of things.

It’s alienating because 99% of people don’t understand severe anxiety and even if they do, they usually don’t even care. I am constantly getting my feelings hurt by people I care about, but since it’s “All in my head” or they dont understand why im upset, It’s completely unimportant to them and they don’t change their behavior. When they get upset, I have to take it seriously though, and apologize to them and see their point of view.

It’s too difficult to see my point of view most of the time and so I just have to get used to being hurt a great deal more than most people even by the people I care about. That’s why I’ve started avoiding everyone even my friends. It’s a losing battle.

really at the end of the day life is about realizing that everything good will be taken away from you. It can be all of a sudden or it could take forever. It’s just a matter of time, though. It’s unfortunate because some people like me get everything taken away at the beginning of their life. I had a brief time as a kid and a young adult where I could function, I was on track with a career, with a girlfriend, and doing great. I still had anxiety issues, but they were manageable because I had things in my life that mattered.

Then all of those things were taken away from me and never given back. I never got a girlfriend and after I dumped the last one in 2010. And not from a lack of trying either. It’s really hard to feel good about yourself when you can’t even get someone to eat a free meal with you.

But there’s no way I can blame all women for that rejection. Clearly it’s me to have a very big degree and if I knew how to fix it, I would. But year after year, I keep looking for answers that never come, I’m still alone and want it more than anything to have companionship, but It is not even in a possibility. If I went on one date that would be progress.

I was on track back then in college and I was going to go to VCU for a psych major. But then I started having panic attacks again and also had to break up with the person i love snd with all of that i couldnt handle school anymore. canceled my plans to further my career and kept working at Starbucks and trying to find another career path.

I work where I do and make absolutely nothing because it is absolutely impossible for me to sit down and study for long periods of time. I have literally tried and even taken courses for six months at a time, but I just did not possess the drive and attention.

So basically, I’m just stuck at a job that cannot support me, I don’t make enough money to even eat three times a day so I can never take anybody out on a date or do anything fun without worrying about it anyway. Im nowhere closer to meeting anyone or know why absolutely no one likes me.

it makes sense that I want to commit suicide. I think people have done over for far less. It’s just one of those things that nobody will ever admit to you that it’s hopeless. They can’t. They have to believe that this couldn’t happen to them so no matter how close you are with somebody they’re going to remove you from their life. If you remind them how bad things can get.

That’s why it really is pointless to try to get into a relationship. because other people have manageable defects and People still love them. Only a few people can manage to love me, and I’m not even sure if any of them like me.

I don’t want to be here anymore. I’ve seen all I need to see and I know myself well enough to know that this is just gonna keep happening over and over and over.

I tried to commit suicide a decade ago, but changed my mind at the last minute. The more I think about it, I think I made a big mistake, but I don’t have the guts to do it anymore. I think that will come in time. I’ll just eventually get pushed over the edge And it will make sense and I’ll just do it without thinking.

Until then, I just need to keep in mind this is as good as it gets, and above all else, don’t tell anyone because it just makes you feel even more alone. There’s no way they could understand.