this isn’t failure. its triage.

there is no end to how far I will push this. I deserve to want to live and I don’t care what I have to do to get it. I’m not asking nicely anymore and I shouldn’t. If someone can’t give me what I need discard them and don’t give it a second thought. my time and energy is Severely limited right now, I do not have enough to be patient with other people right now. It’s still not right how I’m treating them. It’s just how it has to be for now.

It sucks I have to be this vicious, But it’s survival. I don’t need to explain myself here, not even to me. If somebody is not able to be patient with me when I am trying to help but accidentally say the wrong thing they are worthless to me. I need that person like I need a hole in my head.

I’m a hard guy to deal with. it’s understandable that someone would get fed up but not in that situation with him. that was him being a pussy. I would say the same thing about myself if I did that. That is not behavior I respect and therefore I don’t respect him because I don’t have the emotional maturity right now to work through this and I don’t care that I don’t.

I almost ended up in the hospital last night. I almost had to drive all the way to the hospital and get locked up for a couple days because a 20-year-old got emotional for a second. I absolutely understand How serious of a situation I’m in. One false move and I go over the edge.

I literally had to take two shot shots of vodka last night. It was either that or self harm and then go to the hospital. I was so angry. Not at him that was just a straw that broke the camels back.

The problem is that could happen again at any moment. while it is true, but his actions have consequences and still my responsibility how I react to life. However, I pushed it as far as I could go, and I would’ve done something. I really regretted last night if I had not taken those two shots.

I took the day off work today and that was definitely a good move. I’m not even out of the danger zone yet. Like I could take another couple shots tonight if I’m not careful, I don’t want you right now, but I know that I am so extremely sensitive and delicate right now that the slightest breeze could land me back in the hospital or at the bottom of the bottle.

But life sucks and you don’t get a pass when it’s difficult. Life is hard, but I am harder if I have to shed my humanity to survive, I absolutely will. I am the fox that got his leg caught in a trap and gnawed it off. survival isn’t negotiable if I have to die inside every single day in order to keep continuing on, I’ll do that too.

I finally see this now. Life just pushes you to make the decision decisions and destiny that’s always been there. Your faith really is inescapable. It’s simultaneously awful and beautiful at the same time. If I ended my life today, it would not be wrong. But also, I decided I do not want to end my life so I will not.

There is absolutely nothing anyone can do to help me right now. I simply need to be patient. I’ve got a counselor who is well respected on the way and I Have to be honest I don’t know what the future holds. Maybe there is hope and I just don’t see it yet.