rambling about problems that can’t be fixed and no one cares about.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for people to understand that just because you go to the ER and they don’t find anything wrong doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong. It means they didn’t find anything.

I guess I just kept ending up in the ER all those times for no reason at all. Doctors think they’re delivering good news when they tell you that you wasted your time coming in to the emergency room and getting a $7000 bill and look at you funny if you ask got help.

Then you get to a counselor or psychiatrist and they explained the same thing that absolutely nothing is wrong and it’s just your attitude. you still get overwhelmed on a daily basis but now you’re armed with the information that you’re just not trying hard enough.

I hardly reach out for help even when I need it. I would rather walk to the hospital with a gunshot wound that asked for a ride. When I ask for help it’s because I am absolutely well past my breaking point.

But help just simply never comes. People just either don’t get it or don’t care. That includes every single doctor too. My life gets ripped to shreds every so often and a couple doctors have gone as far as just flat out tell me that’s the best I can hope for.

Whenever I try to talk about it with somebody, its even more alienating. Nobody gets it, and the few that do do not care. It’s too complex people just give up. It’s not worth it cause it’s not their problem.

The only way I could solve this is if I found someone who actually wanted a challenge. And even then I would need to make lots and lots and lots and lots more money just to get in the door.

Or I could save up a couple hundred dollars, go down to the gun score, make a one time purchase and all of those problems are completely gone. No more false hope. No more push pushing yourself beyond your limits to get absolutely nothing but doctor bills. 

The only reason I am not dead yet is because I just don’t have it in me right now. I really don’t think that’s gonna change all of a sudden. I’ll probably need to get pushed, especially far and lose multiple things that are very precious to me all at once. Even then, I still might be able to push through it, just depends.

Honestly, the more I think about it, The only reason I don’t do it today is because I am afraid of going to hell or something like that. That is it. If I Was under the impression I was going somewhere nice I would already be gone. 

I don’t think that’s how it works. I think if you commit suicide, your soul is not at rest or something. I’m not entirely sure even if I end my life it’ll get any better. It might be infinitely worse forever. That would be wild. Suffering so much that you feel forced to take your own life and then you get punished for all eternity for it.

It’s entirely possible. Life is not fair So why would death be? My best guess is you have to earn your death. You need to give all of what you have and if it’s not enough, it’s just not enough.