You act like death is a bad thing and not an inescapable part of life

in another universe i joined the marines right out of high school like i planned and died happy as hell at probably like 20.

i’m not saying I wanna die. I am saying that doing things that could get me killed makes me very excited. That’s why when I was a drunk I had such a mouth on me. I would just keep pushing people past their limit and get them to beat the shit out of me because that’s what I wanted.

There has got to be a way to use that constructively for good. Being able to take a beating over and over but due to your anger, not feel a thing. The person was sometimes way bigger than me and that was the whole point. I don’t think I really wanted to hurt myself, though I think I was just trying to push myself to the absolute limit.

And this whole time I’ve been acting like it matters. What thoughts get me to do the right thing who cares? The core of everything I have love so that’s always the end go and it will be abandoned if that’s not it.